2004-06-08 - 7:17 p.m.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have done FUCKED up. You know how bad it hurts when a girl kicks your ass to the curb? Well, it hurts a thousand times worse when you know damn well that you gave her all the reason in the world to do it.

I guess she had me pegged from the start. I don't take anything seriously. And I cracked a number of lame-assed jokes (right here, no less) that never should have been made. Lame-assed jokes that I didn't take the time to think would piss a person right what they call "the fuck off."

And after I had forgotten all about being a complete asshole, I went and started falling in love. I started falling in love with her not in spite of the fact that we were two completely different people, but because of it. She was the very grounded counterpoint to my care-free-everything's-a-joke, self. But I guess I started taking that seriously just a bit too late.

Lord knows she put up with a number of my shortcomings entirely too much (and yes: that applies to EVERY aspect that makes up me), and I just kept on cracking wise. Fuck... I'da been ready to boot my ass too. And to top it all off, in spite of all this, she still did something for me this morning that pretty much surpasses anything that's ever been done for me, just because it hits so close to home for me. She got to talk to Stephen King on the radio, and she talked about me. I've had people buy me things, stage big elaborate get-togethers for me, but not one of those could have meant nearly as much as this. I mean, let's face it: that's pretty damned cool.

Fuck... Here I am, still trying to keep the light mood. I'm sitting here, a complete wreck, and still can't be honest about it. She's right. It's not just that we're two different people. It's who I am. Now, I usually like who I am, and I'm sure that I will again in time. But for now I'm just seeing myself as the jack-ass that she sees.

She was also the first one to make a point of telling me that I shouldn't drink just because I'm feeling stressed. But that bottle is looking mighty fucking tempting, and old habits die hard. Maybe I'll just go take a walk. Who knows. I sure as fuck don't. More likely than not I'll just end up sitting and staring at the pages of book watching the letters all swim around until my head hurts.

Christ... I haven't felt like this in a loooooong time. And I've never felt like I deserved it as much as I do now.

bbbrett

P.S.: If you're looking for some of my older entries from this year, I've removed them out of a sense of decency that was very long in coming and will more likely than not be short lived. Why? Because I doubt highly that I'll stop being a jackass overnight. One can hope, but it's best to view things realistically.

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